TLC Conference

So....I took a really big step and attended the TLC Conference in the Washington, DC area this weekend.  It was actually fantastic.  I'm very glad I went.  I learned a lot of things that I thought I already knew.  I guess I 'knew' them, but didn't know how to apply the techniques.  I've got a lot to think about.  I need to digest what I learned, and then I will post more to this blog.  For now, here's a link to TLC.  http://www.trich.org

I'm back again, psychology this time

So, I just can't give up on this. I decided to see a psychologist, at the suggestion of my psychiatrist.  I spent the whole first meeting with him crying. He asked me questions about how long I have been pulling, and about my family life, and about what stressors I have in my life. It was a hard conversation.  It brought up a whole lot of feelings, mostly feelings of shame and disappointment.  That's a lot of my life: shame and disappointment. I don't want to feel this way.  I'm very disappointed in myself for not being able to stop this behavior even after 27 years. I'm ashamed because...I don't know why.  I'm just ashamed.  I'm ashamed that I pull my hair out.  I'm ashamed that I cannot get close to people.  I'm ashamed that I have allowed people to take advantage of me and walk all over me and take away one of the most important things in my life. It's all tied up in my self worth. I have no self worth. Sometimes I feel like I just want out of this body, and into a new body.  I've messed this one up pretty bad with the hair pulling. It's not much fun being me. I'll continue to follow up with how my psychology appointments go and hopefully I will be able to document some progress.  This is really my last hope.  I have tried everything else.

Not doing very well

I feel like I have had a setback.  I can't keep my hands out of my hair.  I had something awful happen to me at work a few weeks ago, and I've been feeling really down about myself ever since then.  It feels like the only relief I get from feeling bad is to just zone out and pull my hair out.  I'm doing it on the top, on the sides, and on the back.  No place is safe from my hands. I'm even doing it while driving in the car.  How am I ever going to stop this thing? I can't stop, I can't even control it just a little bit.  Feeling sorry for myself isn't helping, but I can't figure out what to do to feel better.

So I've been trying other things to keep my hands busy.  I got a Cra-z-loom.  It's like the knock off version of the Rainbow Loom.  I love this thing.  I'm a 37 year old mom, and I love making these damn rubber band bracelets  I keep running out of bands.  I'll make a bracelet and wear it to work one day, then I will make another one the next day.  I love finding pictures on Instagram of people's bracelets and I love looking at tutorials on YouTube.  If not for those tutorials on YouTube, I probably would have not been able to figure out how to do it.  Just going by the paper instructions was making no sense at all.  Anyway, I'll just keep making bracelets. It's fun to sit in front of the TV and make a bracelet.  If I make one that does not turn out, it's easy just to undo it and start over.  I've had bracelets where I have had to start the darn thing over three times before I got it right.

I need other stuff to do. Typing keeps my hands busy obviously, but I have nothing to say.

Toys for Trich

I have a Tangle Therapy that I use to keep my fingers and hands busy.  It feels so good in my hand. It's bumpy and a little bit squishy. I like just twisting it and untwisting it. It's fairly large, so I'm thinking I should get one of the smaller ones just to hold in my hand while I am driving or something. So far it is the only thing that is really helping me. I just have to try to keep it in my hand.

Here's a link to the one I have now: Tangle Therapy

And here's a link to the smaller one I want: Tangle Jr. Textured

I Don't Know Who I Am

So I just finished Parenthood Season 1.  I really like the show.  People on there have real problems.  Except I don't have real problems. My problem only shows up on television as My Strange Addiction. Only highlighting how not 'normal' it really is.  As much as I would like this thing to be out there and recognized by more people for what it is, I don't want to be the one to do it.  I don't want to be the one to share it with friends or coworkers, only to have them talk about it behind my back and tell everyone how weird I am.

I think it's the anxiety.  It's not really the depression anymore, although I do feel sad.  I pull because I feel sad, and then I feel sad because I pulled.  It's a cycle that I cannot break.  Once I start pulling, I can't stop, I just keep on doing it, even though I have recognized that I am doing it.  I've been telling myself it's easier to stay out than it is to get out.  I'm not sure where I heard that, somebody at work must have told me that. It really means it's easier to just not start something than it is to stop it once you have already started.

I'm so sick of trying to come up with stupid ways to stop this.  I have toys to keep my hands busy.  I even try a little bit of relaxation.  I'm not really committed to anything, which is probably why I can't stop.  It's like I don't want to stop pulling badly enough so I can't commit to anything that will actually help me stop.  How sick is that?  This is the most horrible, disgusting thing, and I don't want to stop badly enough. I'm so embarrassed at the way I look.  I'm embarrassed that I can't go swimming, I can't even tell you the last time I went swimming.  There are so many things I want to do with my little boy, that I'm scared to do because somebody might see my hair.

Here are some links to places I have been visiting to try to help:
http://www.reddit.com/r/trichsters
http://www.trich.org/

There was a recent conference/meeting in Toronto, but I was too chicken to go.  The leader of my support group went, and she brought back some good information. I'm hoping we will start an 8 week guided program soon.  I really need help to stop. Drugs are not working.

It's been too long

I'm back again.  Taking a class at the same place where it all started last year.  Things have not been going that well.  I've been seeing a psychiatrist for medication management.  I'm currently taking 150mg of Effexor daily.  It's not helping with the hair pulling, but it's helping with the mood.  I'm very even.  I haven't had many crying days.  Before the Effexor, I was taking Paxil, which worked really well.  To that, we added Abilify.  For the first month, it was great!  Then...the Abilify built up in my system and gave me a lot of uncontrollable movements.  I just could not sit still.  I suffered with that feeling for a month before I went back to the psychiatrist and he took me off that medication.  I'm really willing to try the Abilify again now that I am on Effexor instead of Paxil.  The doctor seemed to think that the combination of the Abilify and Paxil is what was giving me the heebie jeebies.

As for the hair pulling, I still can't stop.  I just can't leave my head alone.  I rub my scalp all the time, feeling for pimples or weird hairs, just so I can worry at them or pull the hair out.  It's gotten so I just pull my hair all the time.  I'm back to being bald on the top, and bald behind my ears.  I can only wear my hair up.  I never wear it down.  I just don't have pretty hair.  If I didn't pull it out all the time, I might have pretty hair.  I don't know if I will ever be able to grow my hair out again so I can wear it down.  I was doing so well last year, too.  I messed that up.

Medication for Trich

Here's my medical history with Trich. About 8 years ago, I told my primary care physician (pcp) that I thought I had Trich. She agreed and we started trying different medications for mild depression/anxiety, in the hopes these might affect my hair pulling. I've tried Zoloft, Paxil, Wellbutrin, Cymbalta, etc. She referred me to a Psychiatrist for help with medication. I'm now taking Zoloft (40mg/day) and Abilify (2mg/day). My depression/anxiety is much better, and I'm feeling less urges to pull, and if I do feel the urge to pull, it's easier to 'snap out of it', knowwhatimean? The Psychiatrist has also suggested I visit a Psychologist who specializes in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). I'm worried this person will just tell me to put a rubber band on my wrist, and it'll be a waste of money.

Anyway...what medications have you tried? Have you had any success, any failures?

(Also, don't just ask your doctor for Abilify. That shit is expensive. I have a high deductible insurance plan, where I have to spend $3000 out of pocket before only paying a co-pay for prescriptions/office visits. A 30 day supply of Abilify 2mg/day cost me ~$480. Not cool!)