Not doing very well

I feel like I have had a setback.  I can't keep my hands out of my hair.  I had something awful happen to me at work a few weeks ago, and I've been feeling really down about myself ever since then.  It feels like the only relief I get from feeling bad is to just zone out and pull my hair out.  I'm doing it on the top, on the sides, and on the back.  No place is safe from my hands. I'm even doing it while driving in the car.  How am I ever going to stop this thing? I can't stop, I can't even control it just a little bit.  Feeling sorry for myself isn't helping, but I can't figure out what to do to feel better.

So I've been trying other things to keep my hands busy.  I got a Cra-z-loom.  It's like the knock off version of the Rainbow Loom.  I love this thing.  I'm a 37 year old mom, and I love making these damn rubber band bracelets  I keep running out of bands.  I'll make a bracelet and wear it to work one day, then I will make another one the next day.  I love finding pictures on Instagram of people's bracelets and I love looking at tutorials on YouTube.  If not for those tutorials on YouTube, I probably would have not been able to figure out how to do it.  Just going by the paper instructions was making no sense at all.  Anyway, I'll just keep making bracelets. It's fun to sit in front of the TV and make a bracelet.  If I make one that does not turn out, it's easy just to undo it and start over.  I've had bracelets where I have had to start the darn thing over three times before I got it right.

I need other stuff to do. Typing keeps my hands busy obviously, but I have nothing to say.

Tough weekend

The weekend has gone only OK.  I lost track, but I think I pulled 2 hairs every day Saturday, Sunday, and Monday.  I just pulled two sitting here watching a movie, so I figured I had better stop.  I have a headache today, and I stayed home from work.  I knew that controlling my pulling at work would be way too difficult with a headache.  It's already going to be hard, and I didn't want my first day back to have that extra layer of difficulty with having a headache.

My scalp is still itchy.  It just drives my hands up there automatically to itch it, then I start feeling for a hair I can pull out.  It sucks.

Off the wagon already

I had a feeling I wouldn't be able to keep up my no pulling streak.  Today is a travel day, so I'm sitting here bored and zoning out.  My first flight was delayed, now my second flight is delayed.  I'm stressed and frustrated. I've only pulled 5 hairs, but it's 5 more than I've pulled for the last three days.  I was probably 3.5 days with no pulling.  I just hope I can do it again.  I don't want to go back to the same routine I had before.  I want to be able to get my hair cut, to go swimming, maybe even to color my hair.  I want to be able to wear my hair down, or get it styled differently.  Maybe something that actually flatters my face.  Instead of this stupid pony tail.  It's really long.  The only advantage is I can get it cut and donate it to Locks of Love.

I just want to get home and see my baby.  I missed his first week of day care.

Back to my routine

My class is over and I am flying back home tomorrow.  I'm worried that I will fall right back into the habit of pulling again.  I want to keep with the success that I have made this week, but I have a feeling that they change in my daily routine is what helped me to stop this week.  I'll get home and probably be right back to it.  I'll pull when I'm driving, I'll pull when I'm sitting on the couch watching TV or surfing the internet or reading a book.  I just want to stop.  I don't like doing it.

Day 2

I still haven't pulled.  It's been 47 hours.  I'm not quite to the point where I can say the number of days, so I'll stick to hours for now.

I had a real hard time getting ready for work this morning.  I was brushing my hair and trying to put it in a pony tail, but the short white hairs on the crown of my head were sticking straight up.  I just couldn't hide it.  I know that the regrowth is good, but it's so OBVIOUS because it's coming back in white.  The reason for this is that I have pulled for so long, the same spots over and over that the follicles are damaged and can no longer grow hairs that have pigment.  That's why all the regrowth is white.  I won't know until more of the hair grows back if I have any spots where the hair just won't grow back at all.  It's possible to damage the follicles beyond repair and cause permanent bald spots.  I'm hoping this hasn't happened to me.  I'll just have to deal with the white hair.  There's a lot of it.

Itchy!

My scalp is so itchy right now.  It's taking all of my power to not put my hands up there and itch it and itch it and itch it.  I've done so well today, I don't want to ruin it, and I just know that if I put my hands up there, I'm going to then start feeling around on my scalp, looking for an interesting spot to 'worry' at, and then next thing you know, I'll have pulled out a bunch of hair.

This whole thing is just so crazy.  Why would somebody want to pull out their hair?  Doesn't it hurt?  Yeah, it hurts, that's kind of the point.  Why would somebody pull their hair out for 24 years straight?  I do.  Obviously I want to, right?  I've been doing it for so long, it's like a part of me.  It defines me.  I actually feel like it's a personality defect or a character defect.  Something so intimately tied to the definition of who I am that it is impossible to change.  Maybe it's not impossible to change, maybe it's possible for me to 'control' it.  That's my plan.  I want to CONCENTRATE on knowing when I do it, and why I do it.  No longer just zoning out and continuing to do it after I have recognized that I am doing it.  I can already tell that it's going to be difficult.  Probably the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life.  If I fail, am I a failure?  Am I weak? Stay tuned to find out.