Back to my routine

My class is over and I am flying back home tomorrow.  I'm worried that I will fall right back into the habit of pulling again.  I want to keep with the success that I have made this week, but I have a feeling that they change in my daily routine is what helped me to stop this week.  I'll get home and probably be right back to it.  I'll pull when I'm driving, I'll pull when I'm sitting on the couch watching TV or surfing the internet or reading a book.  I just want to stop.  I don't like doing it.

Day 2

I still haven't pulled.  It's been 47 hours.  I'm not quite to the point where I can say the number of days, so I'll stick to hours for now.

I had a real hard time getting ready for work this morning.  I was brushing my hair and trying to put it in a pony tail, but the short white hairs on the crown of my head were sticking straight up.  I just couldn't hide it.  I know that the regrowth is good, but it's so OBVIOUS because it's coming back in white.  The reason for this is that I have pulled for so long, the same spots over and over that the follicles are damaged and can no longer grow hairs that have pigment.  That's why all the regrowth is white.  I won't know until more of the hair grows back if I have any spots where the hair just won't grow back at all.  It's possible to damage the follicles beyond repair and cause permanent bald spots.  I'm hoping this hasn't happened to me.  I'll just have to deal with the white hair.  There's a lot of it.

Itchy!

My scalp is so itchy right now.  It's taking all of my power to not put my hands up there and itch it and itch it and itch it.  I've done so well today, I don't want to ruin it, and I just know that if I put my hands up there, I'm going to then start feeling around on my scalp, looking for an interesting spot to 'worry' at, and then next thing you know, I'll have pulled out a bunch of hair.

This whole thing is just so crazy.  Why would somebody want to pull out their hair?  Doesn't it hurt?  Yeah, it hurts, that's kind of the point.  Why would somebody pull their hair out for 24 years straight?  I do.  Obviously I want to, right?  I've been doing it for so long, it's like a part of me.  It defines me.  I actually feel like it's a personality defect or a character defect.  Something so intimately tied to the definition of who I am that it is impossible to change.  Maybe it's not impossible to change, maybe it's possible for me to 'control' it.  That's my plan.  I want to CONCENTRATE on knowing when I do it, and why I do it.  No longer just zoning out and continuing to do it after I have recognized that I am doing it.  I can already tell that it's going to be difficult.  Probably the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life.  If I fail, am I a failure?  Am I weak? Stay tuned to find out.

Is this the first day of the rest of my life?

I know I am going to have many starts and stops along this road, but I hope that this can be the first day that I consciously choose to make a new beginning.

Last week I saw a psychiatrist for the first time and asked for help.  I have had trich since I was probably 10 years old.  I've been pulling my head hair ever since then.  I have always had bald spots.  I have always been able to cover it up by keeping my hair in a pony tail.  It's gotten so bad that a pony tail barely covers it any more.    I pull from the crown of my head, behind my ears, and at my temples.  I currently have a bald spot on the crown of my head a little smaller than my fist.  The new growth is white, and sticks up.  It's impossible to cover.

I think what brought on my desire to seek help was my fear that my little boy, who is 18 months old, will start to pick up on what I do, and model this behavior.  It's nothing to aspire to.  It's something I am ashamed of.  It's something that I hide from everyone.  Probably only 5 people in my immediate family know that I do this.

I was completely and utterly devastated after visiting the psychiatrist last week.  All he did was talk to me about how anti-depressants work.  I'm not an idiot, I know how they work.  All he did was double my dose of Paxil (to 40mg/day).  I decided to just do it, but I also decided to look online to see what other people are doing.  I came up with a few things I could try based on what I read.

For now, I am going to keep track of every hair I pull, and why I pull it.  The goal is to make a hash mark on a piece of paper for every hair I pull.  I decided this at 9pm last night.  It's now 7:16pm on Tuesday.  I'm very pleased with myself so far.  I have not pulled a single hair since 9pm last night.  That's 22 hours and 15 minutes.  That is the longest I have EVER gone without pulling.  EVER.  I know I will fall off this wagon, and I hope I don't beat myself up when I do.  I plan on seeking support from other communities around the internet, in an anonymous fashion, of course.

This is a really disjointed post, and I hope that they get better from now on.  I hope to post about the feelings I have related to my Trich, and the things that have happened in my life because of it.  The situations I have avoided or missed out on, and how these things have lead me to where I am  now.

First words

I sat down and wrote out some phrases that people have said to me or that I have said to myself over the years. I wanted to share them as a foundation for getting this blog started.

What's wrong with your hair?
Look what you did.
Just stop pulling!
Leave your hair alone.
Knock it off.
Do something else with your hands.
Why are you bald?
Why is your hair always up?
Your hair is so pretty!
You have such pretty hair.
Why ruin your hair?
Just stop!
Don't pick your hair.
Why don't you wear your hair down?
Your hair is so long!
Why don't you just get it cut?
Snap out of it!