I have a Tangle Therapy that I use to keep my fingers and hands busy. It feels so good in my hand. It's bumpy and a little bit squishy. I like just twisting it and untwisting it. It's fairly large, so I'm thinking I should get one of the smaller ones just to hold in my hand while I am driving or something. So far it is the only thing that is really helping me. I just have to try to keep it in my hand.
Here's a link to the one I have now: Tangle Therapy
And here's a link to the smaller one I want: Tangle Jr. Textured
Thursday, April 10, 2014
I Don't Know Who I Am
So I just finished Parenthood Season 1. I really like the show. People on there have real problems. Except I don't have real problems. My problem only shows up on television as My Strange Addiction. Only highlighting how not 'normal' it really is. As much as I would like this thing to be out there and recognized by more people for what it is, I don't want to be the one to do it. I don't want to be the one to share it with friends or coworkers, only to have them talk about it behind my back and tell everyone how weird I am.
I think it's the anxiety. It's not really the depression anymore, although I do feel sad. I pull because I feel sad, and then I feel sad because I pulled. It's a cycle that I cannot break. Once I start pulling, I can't stop, I just keep on doing it, even though I have recognized that I am doing it. I've been telling myself it's easier to stay out than it is to get out. I'm not sure where I heard that, somebody at work must have told me that. It really means it's easier to just not start something than it is to stop it once you have already started.
I'm so sick of trying to come up with stupid ways to stop this. I have toys to keep my hands busy. I even try a little bit of relaxation. I'm not really committed to anything, which is probably why I can't stop. It's like I don't want to stop pulling badly enough so I can't commit to anything that will actually help me stop. How sick is that? This is the most horrible, disgusting thing, and I don't want to stop badly enough. I'm so embarrassed at the way I look. I'm embarrassed that I can't go swimming, I can't even tell you the last time I went swimming. There are so many things I want to do with my little boy, that I'm scared to do because somebody might see my hair.
Here are some links to places I have been visiting to try to help:
http://www.reddit.com/r/trichsters
http://www.trich.org/
There was a recent conference/meeting in Toronto, but I was too chicken to go. The leader of my support group went, and she brought back some good information. I'm hoping we will start an 8 week guided program soon. I really need help to stop. Drugs are not working.
I think it's the anxiety. It's not really the depression anymore, although I do feel sad. I pull because I feel sad, and then I feel sad because I pulled. It's a cycle that I cannot break. Once I start pulling, I can't stop, I just keep on doing it, even though I have recognized that I am doing it. I've been telling myself it's easier to stay out than it is to get out. I'm not sure where I heard that, somebody at work must have told me that. It really means it's easier to just not start something than it is to stop it once you have already started.
I'm so sick of trying to come up with stupid ways to stop this. I have toys to keep my hands busy. I even try a little bit of relaxation. I'm not really committed to anything, which is probably why I can't stop. It's like I don't want to stop pulling badly enough so I can't commit to anything that will actually help me stop. How sick is that? This is the most horrible, disgusting thing, and I don't want to stop badly enough. I'm so embarrassed at the way I look. I'm embarrassed that I can't go swimming, I can't even tell you the last time I went swimming. There are so many things I want to do with my little boy, that I'm scared to do because somebody might see my hair.
Here are some links to places I have been visiting to try to help:
http://www.reddit.com/r/trichsters
http://www.trich.org/
There was a recent conference/meeting in Toronto, but I was too chicken to go. The leader of my support group went, and she brought back some good information. I'm hoping we will start an 8 week guided program soon. I really need help to stop. Drugs are not working.
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