Is this the first day of the rest of my life?

I know I am going to have many starts and stops along this road, but I hope that this can be the first day that I consciously choose to make a new beginning.

Last week I saw a psychiatrist for the first time and asked for help.  I have had trich since I was probably 10 years old.  I've been pulling my head hair ever since then.  I have always had bald spots.  I have always been able to cover it up by keeping my hair in a pony tail.  It's gotten so bad that a pony tail barely covers it any more.    I pull from the crown of my head, behind my ears, and at my temples.  I currently have a bald spot on the crown of my head a little smaller than my fist.  The new growth is white, and sticks up.  It's impossible to cover.

I think what brought on my desire to seek help was my fear that my little boy, who is 18 months old, will start to pick up on what I do, and model this behavior.  It's nothing to aspire to.  It's something I am ashamed of.  It's something that I hide from everyone.  Probably only 5 people in my immediate family know that I do this.

I was completely and utterly devastated after visiting the psychiatrist last week.  All he did was talk to me about how anti-depressants work.  I'm not an idiot, I know how they work.  All he did was double my dose of Paxil (to 40mg/day).  I decided to just do it, but I also decided to look online to see what other people are doing.  I came up with a few things I could try based on what I read.

For now, I am going to keep track of every hair I pull, and why I pull it.  The goal is to make a hash mark on a piece of paper for every hair I pull.  I decided this at 9pm last night.  It's now 7:16pm on Tuesday.  I'm very pleased with myself so far.  I have not pulled a single hair since 9pm last night.  That's 22 hours and 15 minutes.  That is the longest I have EVER gone without pulling.  EVER.  I know I will fall off this wagon, and I hope I don't beat myself up when I do.  I plan on seeking support from other communities around the internet, in an anonymous fashion, of course.

This is a really disjointed post, and I hope that they get better from now on.  I hope to post about the feelings I have related to my Trich, and the things that have happened in my life because of it.  The situations I have avoided or missed out on, and how these things have lead me to where I am  now.